Facing Your Fears

The above quote really resonates with me. What would I do if I had no fear, and how much is fear holding me back? In writing this post, I am going to think what steps I would advise another person in a similar situation to do, and then follow those steps myself.

Step #1 - Identify the fears

The first step to facing your fears is to identify them. What I really want to figure out is what I want to do career-wise or generally with my life in the near future, so I'm interested in which fears are connected to that. Hopefully this will help me to get my thoughts in order and work out whether I *do* know what I want underneath, but am refusing to acknowledge it because of fear.

A List of my Fears:

• I am scared of disappointing my family.
• I am scared of how I will appear to others and what others will think/say about me.
• I am scared of having to move back in with my parents temporarily, and about fighting with my younger sister with whom I don't get along (she lives at home).
• I am scared of making the wrong decision, and remaining unhappy.
• I am scared of making any decision, when there are so many choices and each of them is a risk (so I can't use my usual logical approach to decision making).

In making this list, I tried to drill down to the root of each fear. For example, at first I wrote "I am scared of failure". When I thought about it more, I realised that the fears underlying this were numerous, and that my initial phrase was too general. The key to this exercise is really understanding what your fears are, and this may take a lot of thought.

Step #2 - A deeper understanding

Once you have identified your fears, it's helpful to gain a deeper understanding into how these fears influence and constrain you. At this stage it might help to ask things such as, "what is the worst that could happen if this fear is realised?", "is this something worth being afraid of?" and "what can I change to change this fear?"

My list revisted:

• I am scared of disappointing my family, but I know they will support me and they want me to be happy. Whatever decision I make, they will come to accept over time. 
• I am scared of how I will appear to others and what others will think/say about me. A large part of how I define myself is dependent on others' perceptions, so this ties in with my own self esteem and being scared of not living up to the image which I expect of myself. 
• My Dad tells me not to worry about the future, but I can't seem to do this. I think this is because self-concept includes our future selves.
• The only way I can think of targeting this problem is to make a conscious decision not to let others' perceptions worry me, and to continually remind myself of this promise.

• I am scared of having to move back in with my parents temporarily, and about fighting with my younger sister with whom I don't get along (she lives at home).
• The worst that can happen is I make the decision to move out and rent an apartment. This will make saving for a deposit for my own place a lot harder (and it will take a lot longer), but it is something that I can live with if necessary.
• I am scared of making the wrong decision, and remaining unhappy. 
• What have I got to loose? I am unhappy now, if I remain unhappy then nothing has changed. There is more sense in taking a chance and trying to find something that makes me happy rather than staying in a rut.
• I am scared of making any decision, when there are so many choices and each of them is a risk (so I can't use my usual logical approach to decision making).
• This is a hard one, and it is essentially about relinquishing control. I have always been afraid of change because it makes me feel like I am loosing control. Control of what? When I drill down into it, it's not a rational fear. My perception of control is derived from stability and predictiveness, yet change necessarily involves temporarily being upended to some extent. 

Step #3 - Decide how to deal with each fear

I will:

• Be open to not being in control.
• Be willing to make a decision, without being afraid of failure. If I fail, I can at least be proud that I tried.
• Be open to advice and assistance from others. 
• Look for opportunities and be open to them.
• Think positively. Re-frame mistakes as either neutral or positive.
• Remind myself daily that I should not care so much what others think or say.
• Be easy on myself and accept that I am struggling. Take baby steps if necessary.
• I think my fears are inhibiting my intuition. If I can, trust my gut feeling.