Life right now...

A short summary of my life right now:

• My house stinks of cat pee, or more accurately, peromone filled cat spray. My cat keeps spraying into the gas heater, despite my efforts to keep it covered with a plastic tablecloth. I turn it on and the house quickly fills with a vomit inducing odour. This has happened about 5 times now, and it's putrid. I have invested in a Sureflap cat door which I am getting installed soon - it reads microchips and will only let my cat inside. I'm hoping that this will reduce his stress levels as I have seen other neighbourhood cats come into the laundry through his cat flap...
• The boy drought continues. I have not met a single prospect. I know that the reason is probably because I'm desperate and that if I stop looking and trying so hard, it will just happen... I have always had difficulty just living in the present and not stressing about the future, and this is no different. It is very depressing.
• Work is boring. I'm over it.
• I spent an idyllic week relaxing at an amazing hotel in Lombok recently. I really need to plan another trip so I have something to look forward to.

What's hot (aka the list of stuff I'm enjoying):

• Shopping. As always.
• Kids. They brighten the darkest days, I love their outlook. 
• Adventure. I'm yearning for it.
• Snuggling with my kitty cat on cold nights.
• 'I Didn't Know I was Pregnant' - the most hilarious TV show. 
• Chocolate. Food in general.
• Warm bubble baths.
• 5 star island paradise hotels and daily massages.
• Instagram. 12 months on and still lovin' it.
• Stumbling across a random garage sale on my street and buying unique and cheap items.
• Succulents. I haven't killled mine yet, in fact, they're spreading.

What's not:

• Smelling cat pee on everything. Getting down on hands and knees to clean up cat pee.
• Discovering suspect looking stains all over my housemate's carpet with the help of my UV light which I bought to show up cat pee. Disturbing.
• My housemate's inability to assist with any household chores, and inability to turn lights off or keep his bathroom window open so that he doesn't cause water damage (which has already happened).
• My waist line, and not being able to eat unlimited chocolate.
• Work. Going there every day. Getting through every day. Everything about it. 
• Spending too much money on meaningless crap to make myself feel better.
• Spending too much money on my cat in the form of expensive urine cleaner, an expensive cat flap and installation which involves having a whole glass sliding door replaced.
• Clutter, and accumulating more meaningless crap.
• Worrying about the future.
• Meaninglessness. 
• Loneliness.

Quote of the moment:

It has been a while!

I haven't blogged for ages, and so have decided to do an 'update' post, as much as a momento for myself in the future as anything.

Boys

One thing I didn't blog about at the time was the break up with my now ex-boyfriend. We (or I) ended it in November of last year. Things had been not great for about 6 months, and I started getting frustrated at him and realising I didn't want to spend this minute, let alone the rest of my life with him. I also started noticing things about him that I really didn't like - I'm not sure whether I had turned a blind eye before because I was 'in love' or whether he was hiding his traits, probably a little of both.

We went on an overseas trip and on it, there were many instances where I realised how selfish he is. When he dumped all the bags on me and I was standing at the airport holding both mine and his, an image flashed through my head of 10 years down the track: I'd be holding all the bags, dealing with all of the kids running around me etc while he went off and did something like get a tax refund on his latest designer suit purchase. It wasn't what I wanted in a husband or the father of my children.

I realised several things the more I thought about it. Firstly, he was a very selfish and arrogant person and that wasn't going to change. Secondly, he brought out the worst in me. Thirdly, he was and always had been a lot more into the relationship than I had - I was swept up in it at one stage, but I don't think I ever loved him. I certainly had never said 'I love you' in the 18 months we'd been dating.

I was thinking about all of these things, and mulling over whether to end it or not, when I found out he was cheating. It made the decision very easy of course. The fact that he blamed me for his cheating was confirmation of what I already knew - he was selfish, and would not take responsibility for his own actions. Everything was always everyone else's fault.

I never thought I'd be a girl who was cheated on. When I had heard stories of cheating guys, I had always thought 'How couldn't she have known' or 'That would never happen to me'. It did happen to me, and it sucked... but that was 7 months ago now and I'm well and truly over him.

A few months after the break up, I started online dating. I've been doing it on and off ever since. It's tiring though - I don't like repeating myself over and over on emails to different guys, and then it's nerve wracking to meet them in person. So far I have been on dates with around 10 different guys. There was one guy who I was very interested in - we went on 7 dates over around 1.5 months, and then he suddenly ended it. Something changed at around date 5 and I couldn't figure out what at the time - I guess I'll never know what was going through his head or what was going on in his life. I was upset about that for a little while, but have moved on now. Of the other guys, I haven't wanted to see any of them again after the first date. I am very picky!

Work

I have well and truly come to the conclusion that I don't like law, and don't want to be a lawyer. I'd like nothing more than to go back to uni and study primary school teaching. It would mean a pay cut, and a drop in 'status' but at least I'd (hopefully) enjoy my work.

I have been thinking about this option for over a year now, and it's looking more and more likely as time goes on and as I struggle to get through every work week. Surely there is more to life than doing a job you really don't like...

Part of me was hoping I'd meet the man of my dreams and have babies, then I'd be able to be a part time Mum and do part time legal work which would provide a decent income for me... but I haven't met anyone and who knows how long it could take.

I told my Mum that I wanted to go back to uni and study teaching. It didn't go down well. The whole family is intent on changing my mind - they think it's a terrible idea. They are also all 'high achiever's, and up until now, I have done everything they could have wanted - breezed through high school with top marks, breezed through law school with top marks, gotten good jobs etc.

It's a hard enough decision for me to make without family support, as my Mum and the rest of my family are very important to me. I keep putting off the teaching idea so as not to dissapoint everyone (I brought it up around a year ago and my Mum's reaction was even worse, she absolutely freaked out) but as time goes on and as I struggle to get through each work day, I am starting to care less and less about what she thinks. I think I'll soon be ready to take the plunge.

Other

The 'other' category is not as exciting as I'd like! My life really just centers around work, getting through each work week, catching up with friends on weekends and then doing it all over again. 

I have put on weight (arrgh, yes more weight). I have been eating way too much chocolate and blaming it on hating my job and life etc. I have started trying to exercise - I now do boot camp twice per week which is fun and makes me feel good. The weight is sticking though, I'll actually have to cut out the junk food as well as exercising if I want to loose it. I think I gained another kilo over easter and am now at my heaviest EVER and am struggling to fit into my 'fat' clothes, so I really have to start doing something... I don't feel particularily motivated to though, which is worrying.

There is more in the 'other' category to come, so my next post can be based around that. My fingers are getting sore from typing now, this is such a long post!

A Personality / Career Questionnaire

1. What is your personality type?

ESTJ

2. Tell us about your chosen career path. Where do you work? Would you consider this your dream job? Why?

I am a corporate lawyer. Previously I worked in mergers and acquisitions (M&A), now I work predominantly in banking and finance. I work at a smaller firm because as a junior lawyer, it allows me to have more responsibility and hands on experience. It is definitely not my dream job - I see it as a job, not a passion and ideally I'd prefer to combine the two. I preferred working in M&A, because it was a faster pace and efficiency and commercialism was often valued over process and procedure. However, I left M&A because it was taking over my life - I was so good at micromanaging transactions that I was overloaded, and spent 80+ hours per week working intensely. Being a corporate lawyer is definitely aided by my personality type, especially as I am robust and don't mind criticism. However, I also find that excelling as a corporate lawyer brings out the worst in me and encourages negative traits (or to the extent they're not as of themselves negative, over emphasizes them) - my need for control, lack of empathy, rationality, bossiness etc. 

3. How did you get to where you are now? What mistakes have you made? What would you do differently if you could go back?

When I finished school I had strong academic marks. I didn't know what to do, but I did what was expected of me to some extent which was to enter a course that required high marks - law. I breezed through university. I didn't need to do much study and I graduated with first class honours. During my final few years, I did clerkships at various top tier firms and I didn't like the environment. I think I found it overly competitive and intimidating, and also disliked the formality and pretentiousness. I started as a graduate in the federal government, but quickly because frustrated by the lack of efficiency, lazy people getting a 'free ride' and lack of challenges available to me. I moved into a mid sized firm where I did M&A work, which I really enjoyed but it also took over my life. I knew it wasn't healthy, emotionally or physically. An opportunity to move to a smaller firm unexpectedly presented itself and I decided to take up the offer.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't necessarily study law. It's somewhat pointless to say that though because when I finished school, I didn't know myself, or the workplace well enough to understand which careers I would get the most out of.

4. What is the best thing about your job? What is the worst?

The best thing is the intellectual challenge and feeling proud when I push myself and successfully take on a high level of responsibility or finish a challenging task. The worst is being bored during slow periods and wanting to be anywhere else during that time, and being treated badly, overloaded and taken advantage of by more senior lawyers.

5. What would you like to achieve in 10 years? Have your goals changed since the beginning of your career?

I don't want to be a lawyer forever, definitely not in 10 years time. I might enter business, start my own business, or retrain so that I can pursue a career which would allow me to work with children. I definitely didn't feel this way when I first started working.

6. If someone with your personality type was just about to start looking for their first job, what advice would you give them?

Identify your passions and what you really enjoy doing, and choose a career path which is broad enough to accommodate them.

7. Looking back at your career, what do you regret most? What makes you feel happy?

I don't have any regrets, except perhaps the failure to be 'happy' on a day to day basis during certain periods. I am proud of what I have learnt in the law, and also about myself and others - that makes me happy.

8. In your opinion, which traits of your personality help you the most? Which ones are the most problematic?

The ones that help: being able to multi-task, good time management skills and the ability to distill a very large and complex task into smaller steps, robustness and ability to accept criticism and ignore it when it is unwarranted, ability to stand up for myself, confidence to express and argue my opinions.

The ones that have been problematic: Inability to 'let things go', which increases my stress levels, inability to say no to taking on more work and to 'turn work off' at the end of the day, avoidance of delegating because I don't trust others to do the job 'in my way' or as well as I would, frustration/anger at people I perceive to be lazy or unjustifiably self-entitled at the expense of others.

9. If there was one thing you could change about your personality, what would that be?

I would like to be able to relax and compartmentalize more easily and more readily appreciate the small, simple things in life.

Depression

It has been a very long while since I last wrote on here, but that's the great thing about the internet - your presence remains for almost all of eternity. That can be a bad thing too of course, but let's focus on the positives :)

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. It honestly feels like so much longer.

I became very unhappy with my job, which led me to being very unhappy with life in general. I felt like a failure - hopping from job to job, not really achieving anything, not being able to settle anywhere and be happy, ruining my CV (because no one wants to employ someone who can't commit!). I was finding the actual work insanely boring, and I couldn't see a path for myself within that organisation. I jumped around from wanting to quit law and study teaching, to wanting to go back to corporate law, to wanting to be a nanny again, to wanting to go back and study medicine, to wanting to... just not be alive.

Before I knew it I had slipped into some sort of depression and I just didn't want to do anything. I would get home from work at 6:30pm and go straight to sleep without dinner, not because I was tired but because I really didn't want to be awake. I binged on chocolate and lollies (because I just didn't care, and needed to get through that minute/hour/day) and isolated myself from everyone. I would also cry for no reason every evening.

There is a lot of truth in this...

No one would have noticed this at work because it was a pretty lonely place, and the expectations of me were so low that I could hardly 'not deliver'. I was doing substandard work but getting good feedback, which is in itself very disheartening.

I really felt like I couldn't get out of the 'hole' I was in, and wanting to be dead (and taking sleeping tablets not to overdose, but just to not be awake so I could escape that feeling) is actually very scary. I knew something was wrong so I went and saw my GP, who hooked me up with a psychologist and put me on anti depressants.

It took about a month, maybe a little less for the anti depressants to start working. I'm not sure how much they contributed to my recovery, because a big part of that was changing jobs. I had started looking for jobs during the worst period, because when I didn't care about life I new that it was time to take drastic measures. It was not a hard choice to leave that job, but I didn't really want to go anywhere else either.

The job I accepted sort of found me - I had been applying via other avenues, which didn't result in anything and this offer came pretty much out of the blue. It's not my dream job, but that probably doesn't exist anyway. I didn't know and still don't know whether it's the right direction to take my career in or the right fit for me, but I didn't have anything to loose and I didn't really have the energy to keep looking elsewhere.

I accepted the new job, and my previous employer made my resignation from there a lot more stressful than it needed to be... but thankfully that's all over now.

So where am I now? I've only been at this new job for two weeks. I'm feeling better than I was, but still feel like I'm balancing on a ledge and teetering over an edge sometimes. It's too early to tell whether I'll be happy in this job and whether it will tick the right boxes, but the people there are nice so it's a good start (I'm trying to be optimistic!).

I'm like this guy!

I know you're thinking - life isn't all about work... that's true, and there's more to the story. I am having boy issues too, but that's another story for another day. My sister is yelling at me to come and watch a movie with her that I said I wanted to watch, so I've got to run!

The Feminist Lie

To anyone reading this, I apologise for the negativity in this post. I do try to blog about happy things, to remind myself appreciate the small things in life and to stay positive. However, I also see blogging as a tool of self discovery and that means I'll be writing about how I feel, and trying to sort out why. Lately I have been feeling quite sad, lost and unmotivated.

I also have a confession to make… I am incredibly clucky. Every time I see a photo of a baby I melt, and I really want one of my own. It doesn’t help that many of my friends are popping out kids at the moment and seem blissfully happy in the process. Every time I see a baby photo on facebook I am so incredibly jealous!

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan on trying to get pregnant tomorrow. I don’t think my relationship with the boy is solid or developed enough. The next step for me is living with him, as we still live apart… and I have a lot of work to do to let him fully into my life.

Work is another story altogether. My choices are as follows:

1)      Go back to a job like my previous one that is intense but will accelerate my development. Work my ass off for at least 2 years there, and then transfer to a firm or company with a more manageable workload and accommodating environment. Work at this more relaxed firm/company for at least 2 more years before taking maternity leave. At this point I will probably be valuable enough to retain my job and be able to return part time if I choose to do so, on a good salary and with prospects for advancement if I am inclined to pursue them. This would give me options, and the prospect of having it all would not be totally out of reach. Whether or not that optimism is misplaced is another question.

2)      Stay in my current job (if I can tolerate the boredom) or move to a similarly relaxed (albeit less boring) job. Work for however long before having kids, but have no chance of solidifying my value to the extent necessary before taking maternity leave. I will no doubt have a job to come back to or be able to get another job, but it will be on a disappointing wage and I’ll be stuck doing grunt work and not really having any real responsibility or respectability. Once I have kids, it will be very difficult to put in the hours and effort required to work my way up the ladder from where I will have been at pre-kids. I will not shine.

Option (1) is depressing because it means having kids is so far out of reach, and I don’t know if I can survive 2+ years of hell to get where I want to. In my previous chaotic job, I could see myself changing as a person (for the worse...) and I was physically and mentally unhealthy due to the constant stress, exhaustion and struggle to have any sort of work-life balance.

Option (2) is equally depressing because it would be a waste of my potential, and I know I would be frustrated at the situation and disappointed at myself. I have always been competitive and wanted to achieve great things, I know that I am intelligent, robust, a natural leader and have great potential... but on the other hand my maternal instincts are tugging at my insides.

This situation epitomises what I believe to be THE question of my generation – can women really have it all? We were brought up being taught that unlike our predecessors in the pre-feminist era, we can now have both a stellar career and idyllic family life. The reality is, depressingly, quite different.

I just have to look around the legal profession and there are no examples of women having it all. You have a small number of female partners, but they are either childless or have children who were or are being brought up by nannies. You have female senior associates but many are part time once they have kids, and then their career progression halts or goes backwards. Hell, even I would invest in their male competition – he’s there more often, more likely to stick around without prolonged maternity leave absences or to give up his career altogether, he can put in the long hours, he can without any notice work until midnight and all weekend… and over time, when he is there and she is not, he gains experience, he accumulates knowledge, he networks, he gains clients… and he becomes partner material. It makes commercial sense to favour him, regardless of whether she is a better lawyer NOW or whether she has greater potential due to her intellect, interpersonal skills or acumen for the law.

Law is a crappy profession for women, but I don’t know if anything else would be much better. Medicine gives women a better earning potential from the get go (this is presumably why my Grandfather pressured me to study medicine rather than law) but the potential to specialise and climb to great heights seems similarly limited. If a women is not satisfied by money (and most human beings are not), but wants the satisfaction derived from challenging herself and leading others, or maybe even commanding widespread respect or admiration, she is setting herself up for disappointment unless she gives up the idea of being involved in her kids’ lives too.  I know that not everyone wants these things, but unfortunately I think they're the things that drive me. I need to be intellectually stimulated but that is not enough, I also like having responsibility, control and being respected. I have always admired and practiced efficiency, and that means I am more suited to a fast paced environment.

There are women who may be an exception to the rule. I won’t name one who comes to mind, because I don’t know or care enough about her private life, nor do I think it is appropriate or respectful to speculate on it. What I do know is that we all have different conceptions of how much is enough time to spend with our children and families, and how much we want to be involved in our children's upbringing. I don’t think that heavy involvement with the kids and a stellar career are compatible. They just don’t add up, as a matter of logic. There are only 24 hours in a day.

Where you have a really successful career woman whose children aren’t brought up by nannies, the only other option in my eyes is that they have a super-supportive like-a-stay-at-home partner. I wouldn’t want this either… and therein lays the dilemma. I want it all, I have been told that I can have it all, and suddenly the reality is hitting me. What I believed and what I have worked towards was all a crock of shit.

It’s a very depressing revelation. It makes me want to throw in the towel on one level, have kids and just hope that my priorities change and I find another reason to live and find meaning through motherhood. My Mum says this is a copout, but what is it a copout from? There’s nothing to copout from if I am not able to achieve what I perceive to be worthwhile anyway. There is a small difference in my eyes between giving up, and working for a few more years, finding my work unsatisfying (because my expectations of myself are unrealistic, and I want to be stellar) and gaining a meagre few thousand on my salary every year.

I want to be able to change what satisfies and drives me, but I don’t know how. I think that a large part of it is in my personality - I have always been stubborn, driven, bossy and intense. Another part of it is a result of what my generation has been taught and what I have until now believed. Every endeavour I have participated in has fostered that belief – even where I wasn’t the best, I was solid at academics and sports and there was always the potential for me to work hard, improve and shine. In sport my physique and injuries were self-limiting, but on the academic and leadership front I always had the option of reaching for great heights. School and university studies came easily to me, and I wasn't the best not because I wasn't capable, but because I was more focused on an efficient use of my time and what I wanted to do other than study. Now, the rational view seems to be that the option of succeeding is no longer there, unless I am willing to sacrifice something that my genetic instincts are guiding me towards.

Either option seems hopeless, and I don't know what to do or how to change my hopes, dreams and expectations.

House, work, relationships and life

As I stated in the last post, a lot has happened in the past several months. I am in two minds about how much personal stuff I feel comfortable divulging on here. On the one hand, I don't think anyone I know in real life reads this. I could also probably benefit from being a less private person and sharing my feelings more. On the other hand, I *am* a private person, I do find it hard to share and I am conscious that if someone who knows me came across the blog, it wouldn't be hard to work out and confirm who I am. With this in mind, here is a some-hands-bared account of my personal life over the last 9 months!

(1) The most exciting development is that I bought my first home. It is a townhouse in a suburb not too far from the city. It's an older house (with the maintenance issues which come with that) but is very liveable, and having been there for a few months now, I am starting to really feel at home. I furnished it almost completely with second hand furniture sourced on Gumtree. Here are a few cheeky snaps of the decor, and I will share more in a separate post:

It definitely has a vintage feel and is very 'girly' according to the boy. I don't think there are any bargains to be had in the Perth housing market at the moment, but I'm happy with what I paid for it. My only regret is not insisting on my rights at the pre-settlement inspection, I ended up allowing myself to be bulldozed by the bitchy real estate agent acting for the seller who did her utmost to shut me down and make me feel stupid whenever I raised an issue. My lack of persistence in this regard resulted in me not following up on some things I had gut feelings on, and the result is that I'll need a new air conditioning system installed (for which I have been quoted $4k) and a few other things. On the other hand, I paid $8k less than what I was ultimately willing to offer for the house so it evens out in the end, and I know I won't make the same mistakes with my next purchase (I will be pushy and bitchy in equal parts back!)

(2) The other major development is my relationship with the boy. We met when I moved back to Perth from Canberra last year (so about 11 months ago now) and took things slowly. I didn't tend to see him during the week during my previous job, as it was just so demanding and draining. If I ever got out of the office at a decent hour, I would just want to crash into bed straight away. Now that I have time on my hands, the dynamics have definitely changed. We are seeing each other a lot during the week and have gotten closer. I still feel like we're in 'early days' and not where we'd otherwise be after 11 months, because we hadn't really started combining our lives until recently.

This relationship is teaching me a lot about myself. I don't like to open up and share, and I find it really hard to reveal my true feelings, especially when I am feeling sad or down. I respond by being moody and isolating myself. I also think that I'm afraid of commitment. This is unusual for the female I think, it's more common with the guy. My stand-offishness and reluctance to give of myself is probably what snared me the boy in the first place though, as he had to work hard for my affections (and who isn't tempted by a bit of a game?). Until now, my relationships have not felt serious and so I did not put any pressure on myself to be 'sure' or question whether it felt 'right'. Now, many of my friends are getting married and having babies - partly due to that, our relationship feels 'real' and like it could or should be final.

Chaos, Birthdays & Liptember

If you're wondering where I have been, the answer is working. Although you probably guessed!

 

I worked on my first 'hostile' takeover which meant 2 weeks of little sleep, very long days and having literally no weekends (I'd consider being in the office from 7am until midnight all weekend worse than your average weekday, so definitely not 'weekend' within the normal meaning of that word!)

 

In the midst of these chaotic times, I had a birthday. It would have gone uncelebrated (I had to cancel both my birthday lunch with girlfriends and my birthday dinner with the boy) but for an amazing and unexpected office delivery from my friends in Canberra:

 

 First I saw these fantastic balloons. Did I mention that I LOVE helium balloons!? They remind me of carefree childhood days...

 

 Then came a big box with lovely ribbons... which contained:

 

 A delicious chocolate mud cake!

 

Last but not least, I got this fabulous card. You can't tell from the photo but it's holographic and moves. All very exciting...

 

It made a dark day so much brighter!

 

I have just now gotten back from a whirlwind weekend trip to Canberra which was exhausting but so enjoyable. We had the 1920's ball and I caught up with all my friends, which brought back such lovely memories.

Photos of the ball will be coming soon (you will be able to see the dress I ended up wearing). In the meantime, if you haven't already please check out Project Girl's blog and sponsor her for Liptember. Liptember is all about raising funds for women's mental health, and encouraging open communication about and familiarisation with gender specific mental health issues.

In blogging about her life, Project Girl shares her personal struggles with mental illness (which is much braver than I could ever be, I am not a personal sharer!). I just sponsored her and I hope you will too.

Shopping, Dating, Work

Shopping
I still haven’t found the perfect dress for the upcoming 1920s theme ball, I'm getting desperate! I found one I really like but its sold out:

River Island Beaded Deco Dress

Karen Millen does the most beautiful deco dresses but they're all around $400 on sale, and I can't justify spending that… not until I get a pay rise anyway!

Did I mention that there are some great sales online at the moment? I am still addicted to Asos despite my disappointing last order. I nabbed this dress:

ASOS Skater Dress With Flower Applique

And I'm also eyeing off:

Asos Laguna Suede Ballet Flats with Metallic Block Heel

and

ASOS LOS ANGELES Point Ballet Flats With Chain Detail

 



What do you think of them?

You can currently get 10% off sale items at Asos with the code 10SALE, and 10% off at Urban Outfitters with the code NEWSKOOL (and free shipping if you spend $50).

Dating

I guess our relationship is official, but I'm still not sure I'm 100% committed. I suppose it's because I'm busy and tired and he wants to spendmore time with me than I do with him. Also this is going to sound weird but I know a lot of people are unsure if the guy likes them and then really happy when he does, but I'm the opposite- as soon as the guy starts getting attached I get put off, it's like the challenge and excitement is gone. It's so stupid of me but I think that's what happens and why I never have had proper long relationships. Maybe it means I haven’t found the 'right person' but I think it's more likely to be my own approach and mindset that's resulting in this.

Work

Work has calmed down a bit. People have been leaving the office at 6pm, which I am told is very unusual so I should make the most of it! Our computer server has been all buggy which has resulted in some wasted and frustrating periods of time – lucky we're not flat out!

Robustness

"Do you consider yourself to be robust?"

When I was interviewing for various legal jobs, I was asked the question several times. It seems to be the HR buzz word of the minute in legal circles.

They're presumably referring to emotional robustness, or resilience. Whether you keep going despite setbacks, how easily you give up. It's a way to weed out people who crumble under pressure -

"Mental hardiness is the way you interpret what we can call stressful incidents. If you view them as something frightening they’ll probably have a negative influence on you. But if you perceive stressful incidents as challenges you can control to a certain extent, if you involve yourself enough, stress can be a motivational factor,” Hystad explains. Source

Having now survived 6 weeks in my new job, I can confidently say I AM (quite) ROBUST. I have been yelled at, hung up on and given critical tasks well beyond my expertise. It is challenging (and enjoyable) but exhausting.

It has taught me a lot about my personality. Part of the reason why I took this job is because the supervising partner was an asshole in the interview. He basically said "You probably won't make it here, you probably won't be smart / strong / resilient enough... only time will tell whether you have what it takes". He made me angry, and I saw that as a challenge. 

Although I'm proud of how I've coped so far, I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep this up. I'm actually not that bothered by the pressure / challenge of the tasks I'm given or the personalities in the office (ie being yelled at). The hardest thing is not having time to do anything other than work, and being constantly exhausted.

An Exhausting Week

Reminder: Enter my Giveaway - entries close 15 August.

All has been quiet on the blogging front because I have just come out of an absolutely exhausting, crazy week. I have been working very long hours on a transaction which will (hopefully) mostly be finalised on Monday.

I am finding the work I am given challenging and I have been given lots of responsibility (which I love), but I am finding my managing partner very hard work. He yells at me, is unpredictable and moody and doesn't seem to be satisfied no matter how hard one tries. I know it's nothing personal as he treats everyone like this, but it is upsetting none the less. I suppose I just have to get used to his behaviour and not let it get to me at all - I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.

This weekend I have cancelled most of my social events as I'm just too drained to do anything. Anyway, here are some random phone snaps to give you a snapshot of the past week or two...

My managing partner's Mum bakes for us. Every Monday. Sometimes it's cookies, other times cake or a slice. It's one of the (very) few perks in my office!

 I am really liking this cute advertisment which is inside lots of Perth's buses:

"Humpty Dumpty ran for the bus

Humpty Dumpty caused a great fuss.

All of the passangers were forced to wait

And now thanks to Humpty they're all running late."

Ted is still alive but he is now missing both eyes. 

On the coffee machine at the Food Store in West Perth:  "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten". I love the barista there - he sings while making coffees. I think it makes them taste better ;-)

 Last weekend I used a voucher which entitled me to a 1 hour full body massage (it was blissful) and a 30 minute ion detox foot spa. I sat there googling the "science" of these spas on my phone while I was having it and concluded that they're a money making ploy/scam. The only good thing about them is soaking your feet in warm water and being forced to sit and relax for half an hour (because if you try to take your feet out, the red rusty water stains everything).

The water is supposedly turned this colour by toxins being released from your body. This is a phurphy - "It's just basic chemistry - electrolysis. The water goes brown because metal electrodes are rusting in a salt water bath." So even if you don't put your feet in the water, it would still turn brown. Goldacre even demonstrated the process with some salt water, a car battery and a Barbie doll. Even Barbie turned the water brown." Source

 Breakfast at Cranked Coffee, Leederville (review to follow when I find a spare moment to write it). Their homemade tomato relish was delicious.

Aren't these stress balls adorable? I found them at a shop on Oxford Street in Leederville and had to have one. They were $55 each (!) at the store, but sure enough online you can get them for about $8 each delivered, so I bought a set of 4. 

Caomaru are designed by Makiko Yoshida and are available in 4 expressions: Yuck, Relief, Pout and Joy. This week I would have chosen to play with 'Yuck', for sure!

Another week in the office

Last week was slightly less crazy at work, primarily because my managing partner was on leave for 2 days. I'm not looking forward to his return to the office on Monday, it could potentially be very busy.

Since I haven't had time to leave the office to buy a coffee, it's a lifesaver that we have an awesome coffee machine. It uses Lavazza coffee pods, which I like a lot better than both the Nespresso and Expressi (Aldi) variety.

I have become partial to a 6:30pm coffee every evening, which is when I should be eating dinner but inevitably still have a few hours of work to do!

This is the view from my office window:

I actually love it. I have worked in a big firm where I had a panoramic view of the city, foreshore and river... and it was so depressing. It made me sadder to be in the office, I wanted to be out there enjoying the outdoors. At least this boring view doesn't make me yearn to be somewhere else.

I have put a few things in my office to brighten it up. I can't go overboard like I did working in Government, this office is a lot more conservative. Most people don't even have a single photo frame! I don't think anyone has noticed these things yet, so I've gotten away with it.

 My changeable sign

 Very cool paperclip holder

On Sunday my sister and I got up at 4am to go to the Karrinyup markets (swap meet). When we got there there were already heaps of cars lining up.

We sold quite a bit of stuff and this time I didn't catch anyone stealing, which hopefully means that people were honest. The markets are a great way to offload your stuff but it was exhausting, I don't think I'll do it again in a hurry while I'm working long hours during the week.

I wish I had bargained more when I went to the Melville markets a few weeks ago - I just accepted whatever price the vendor suggested (or what was marked), most people at these markets haggle down to the last 50c!

 Some of the takings

Week Two Starts Now

Today officially brings us to week two of my new job. It honestly feels like I have been here for so so much longer. They said in the interview that they would be throwing me in the deep end, and they weren't lying. There is certainly no shortage of work here and it's clear that the expectation is that lawyers put their work before anything else. None of the young lawyers here have children, or any other commitments for example sporting.

Last week went like this:

Day 1 (Monday) was boring. I spent the morning doing training in their computer systems, and the rest of the day experimenting with them. No one gave me any work so I took a full hour lunch break and had a nice walk in the sun.

Day 2 proved that day 1 was an anomoly never to be repeated. Work was heaped on me, and it was the first of the standard day there where there is no time for lunch. I was still lucky enough to be able to leave the office at 7pm. My supervising partner was annoyed that I hadn't had email access set up on my smartphone yet as "you need 24/7 email access immediately".

Day 3 saw me getting to work at 7:15am for an early teleconference. I left at 7:45pm, which seems to be the regular end time on a good day for most lawyers there. 

Day 4 saw me arriving at 7:30am and leaving at 9:45pm, after being stuck in a 4 hour meeting all afternoon which didn't allow me to finish my other tasks that were due the next morning. When I got back from the meetings at 7pm, there was a note on my desk from a support staff asking me to bring in my computer the next day to have remote access set up (at the partner's request). I need to organise to have frozen dinners in the freezer there as work doesn't provide meals (unless there is a major deal on and everyone is in the office all night).

Day 5 (Friday) saw me arriving at 7:30am and leaving at 7:30pm. The Partner called me in the discuss some research I'd done and it turned out I was wrong and had missed the point of what I was supposed to be looking for. Felt dumb. Most people leave then or earlier on a Friday night if possible, but will be in on the weekend to work anyway. I got remote access set up on my laptop as I had work to do over the weekend from home too.

I am exhausted and not sleeping well because I have bad dreams about work related stresses (which is to be expected). I feel really stupid because it's a new area of law for me and I am highly inefficient (and have to research everything because I don't even know the basics). Again this is totally to be expected, and I'm working on riding the wave and not getting upset (although I struggle with this!). I'm going to be working very long hours regardless of how busy my area is for at least the first few months, because it's a very steep learning curve.

So... if you don't see many blog posts from me, it's because I don't have time during the week to write. I have been reading your blogs but last week at least I didn't have time to comment much. At work I am flat out and by the time I get home I am ready for dinner, shower and bed. Even this post is prewritten on Saturday morning (I know, aren't I the efficient one...)

Who knows whether I'll survive in this environment and if so for how long!

Employed and Annoyed

The good news is... I'm employed :-) I start my new job in a week. They wanted me to start on Monday but I negotiated a later start date, which is a relief because I need time to organise myself and get into the right headspace. Not to mention, I won't get any leave except the compulsary shut down between Xmas and new year for the first twelve months.

The pay is not great - infact, it's a pay cut from my previous position... but they say they'll renegotiate pay after my 3 month probation. And it's a great firm which will set me up well for the future, which is what should matter at this early stage in my career!

The bad news relates to my new suit purchase. Remember how I went shopping and couldn't find a nice suit? I decided to go for a second hand one on eBay instead, in a brand with consistent sizing (which I know I'm always a size 10 in). I paid quite a lot for it because it was listed as "brand new condition" and it was a 3 piece suit in the perfect colour, all 3 pieces described as "size 10".

It arrived today and the first problem is that the pants are a size 12, so are obviously too big. The jacket also shows obvious signs of wear, and will definitely need a dry clean (which may or may not remove the collar and cuff rings). I am not a happy buyer :-(

Last night I also got a parking ticket. I really miss Canberra's cheap city parking (if you could call the city a city..). We went for dinner in Northbridge and the parking was expensive. I put in all of my coins which totalled $11, and that got me 1.5 hours of parking. This was at 7pm at night, so not during a peak time or anything. I couldn't be bothered putting in my credit card to top it up (especially since there was a line of about 8 people behind me waiting to pay), so I vowed to return after 1.5 hours if we stayed out that long. Of course I forgot, but the bastard parking inspector had ticketed me within 5 minutes of my ticket expiring anyway, so chances are I would have gone back mid way through the meal to top it up and the ticket would have ruined the rest of my dinner.

Now my dilemma is whether or not to pay the fine. It's a ticket from a private parking company (as opposed to the city council), so they don't have access to my personal details etc. If I don't pay, there is nothing they can do, except if I accidentally park in a parking lot owned by that company again. Once they see the overdue ticket on their system, they will clamp my car. That would surely ruin my night (and the next day)... I think I should just pay and put it down to a very expensive night out :-(

At least I'm not this guy... source