Life right now...

A short summary of my life right now:

• My house stinks of cat pee, or more accurately, peromone filled cat spray. My cat keeps spraying into the gas heater, despite my efforts to keep it covered with a plastic tablecloth. I turn it on and the house quickly fills with a vomit inducing odour. This has happened about 5 times now, and it's putrid. I have invested in a Sureflap cat door which I am getting installed soon - it reads microchips and will only let my cat inside. I'm hoping that this will reduce his stress levels as I have seen other neighbourhood cats come into the laundry through his cat flap...
• The boy drought continues. I have not met a single prospect. I know that the reason is probably because I'm desperate and that if I stop looking and trying so hard, it will just happen... I have always had difficulty just living in the present and not stressing about the future, and this is no different. It is very depressing.
• Work is boring. I'm over it.
• I spent an idyllic week relaxing at an amazing hotel in Lombok recently. I really need to plan another trip so I have something to look forward to.

What's hot (aka the list of stuff I'm enjoying):

• Shopping. As always.
• Kids. They brighten the darkest days, I love their outlook. 
• Adventure. I'm yearning for it.
• Snuggling with my kitty cat on cold nights.
• 'I Didn't Know I was Pregnant' - the most hilarious TV show. 
• Chocolate. Food in general.
• Warm bubble baths.
• 5 star island paradise hotels and daily massages.
• Instagram. 12 months on and still lovin' it.
• Stumbling across a random garage sale on my street and buying unique and cheap items.
• Succulents. I haven't killled mine yet, in fact, they're spreading.

What's not:

• Smelling cat pee on everything. Getting down on hands and knees to clean up cat pee.
• Discovering suspect looking stains all over my housemate's carpet with the help of my UV light which I bought to show up cat pee. Disturbing.
• My housemate's inability to assist with any household chores, and inability to turn lights off or keep his bathroom window open so that he doesn't cause water damage (which has already happened).
• My waist line, and not being able to eat unlimited chocolate.
• Work. Going there every day. Getting through every day. Everything about it. 
• Spending too much money on meaningless crap to make myself feel better.
• Spending too much money on my cat in the form of expensive urine cleaner, an expensive cat flap and installation which involves having a whole glass sliding door replaced.
• Clutter, and accumulating more meaningless crap.
• Worrying about the future.
• Meaninglessness. 
• Loneliness.

Quote of the moment:

It has been a while!

I haven't blogged for ages, and so have decided to do an 'update' post, as much as a momento for myself in the future as anything.

Boys

One thing I didn't blog about at the time was the break up with my now ex-boyfriend. We (or I) ended it in November of last year. Things had been not great for about 6 months, and I started getting frustrated at him and realising I didn't want to spend this minute, let alone the rest of my life with him. I also started noticing things about him that I really didn't like - I'm not sure whether I had turned a blind eye before because I was 'in love' or whether he was hiding his traits, probably a little of both.

We went on an overseas trip and on it, there were many instances where I realised how selfish he is. When he dumped all the bags on me and I was standing at the airport holding both mine and his, an image flashed through my head of 10 years down the track: I'd be holding all the bags, dealing with all of the kids running around me etc while he went off and did something like get a tax refund on his latest designer suit purchase. It wasn't what I wanted in a husband or the father of my children.

I realised several things the more I thought about it. Firstly, he was a very selfish and arrogant person and that wasn't going to change. Secondly, he brought out the worst in me. Thirdly, he was and always had been a lot more into the relationship than I had - I was swept up in it at one stage, but I don't think I ever loved him. I certainly had never said 'I love you' in the 18 months we'd been dating.

I was thinking about all of these things, and mulling over whether to end it or not, when I found out he was cheating. It made the decision very easy of course. The fact that he blamed me for his cheating was confirmation of what I already knew - he was selfish, and would not take responsibility for his own actions. Everything was always everyone else's fault.

I never thought I'd be a girl who was cheated on. When I had heard stories of cheating guys, I had always thought 'How couldn't she have known' or 'That would never happen to me'. It did happen to me, and it sucked... but that was 7 months ago now and I'm well and truly over him.

A few months after the break up, I started online dating. I've been doing it on and off ever since. It's tiring though - I don't like repeating myself over and over on emails to different guys, and then it's nerve wracking to meet them in person. So far I have been on dates with around 10 different guys. There was one guy who I was very interested in - we went on 7 dates over around 1.5 months, and then he suddenly ended it. Something changed at around date 5 and I couldn't figure out what at the time - I guess I'll never know what was going through his head or what was going on in his life. I was upset about that for a little while, but have moved on now. Of the other guys, I haven't wanted to see any of them again after the first date. I am very picky!

Work

I have well and truly come to the conclusion that I don't like law, and don't want to be a lawyer. I'd like nothing more than to go back to uni and study primary school teaching. It would mean a pay cut, and a drop in 'status' but at least I'd (hopefully) enjoy my work.

I have been thinking about this option for over a year now, and it's looking more and more likely as time goes on and as I struggle to get through every work week. Surely there is more to life than doing a job you really don't like...

Part of me was hoping I'd meet the man of my dreams and have babies, then I'd be able to be a part time Mum and do part time legal work which would provide a decent income for me... but I haven't met anyone and who knows how long it could take.

I told my Mum that I wanted to go back to uni and study teaching. It didn't go down well. The whole family is intent on changing my mind - they think it's a terrible idea. They are also all 'high achiever's, and up until now, I have done everything they could have wanted - breezed through high school with top marks, breezed through law school with top marks, gotten good jobs etc.

It's a hard enough decision for me to make without family support, as my Mum and the rest of my family are very important to me. I keep putting off the teaching idea so as not to dissapoint everyone (I brought it up around a year ago and my Mum's reaction was even worse, she absolutely freaked out) but as time goes on and as I struggle to get through each work day, I am starting to care less and less about what she thinks. I think I'll soon be ready to take the plunge.

Other

The 'other' category is not as exciting as I'd like! My life really just centers around work, getting through each work week, catching up with friends on weekends and then doing it all over again. 

I have put on weight (arrgh, yes more weight). I have been eating way too much chocolate and blaming it on hating my job and life etc. I have started trying to exercise - I now do boot camp twice per week which is fun and makes me feel good. The weight is sticking though, I'll actually have to cut out the junk food as well as exercising if I want to loose it. I think I gained another kilo over easter and am now at my heaviest EVER and am struggling to fit into my 'fat' clothes, so I really have to start doing something... I don't feel particularily motivated to though, which is worrying.

There is more in the 'other' category to come, so my next post can be based around that. My fingers are getting sore from typing now, this is such a long post!

A Personality / Career Questionnaire

1. What is your personality type?

ESTJ

2. Tell us about your chosen career path. Where do you work? Would you consider this your dream job? Why?

I am a corporate lawyer. Previously I worked in mergers and acquisitions (M&A), now I work predominantly in banking and finance. I work at a smaller firm because as a junior lawyer, it allows me to have more responsibility and hands on experience. It is definitely not my dream job - I see it as a job, not a passion and ideally I'd prefer to combine the two. I preferred working in M&A, because it was a faster pace and efficiency and commercialism was often valued over process and procedure. However, I left M&A because it was taking over my life - I was so good at micromanaging transactions that I was overloaded, and spent 80+ hours per week working intensely. Being a corporate lawyer is definitely aided by my personality type, especially as I am robust and don't mind criticism. However, I also find that excelling as a corporate lawyer brings out the worst in me and encourages negative traits (or to the extent they're not as of themselves negative, over emphasizes them) - my need for control, lack of empathy, rationality, bossiness etc. 

3. How did you get to where you are now? What mistakes have you made? What would you do differently if you could go back?

When I finished school I had strong academic marks. I didn't know what to do, but I did what was expected of me to some extent which was to enter a course that required high marks - law. I breezed through university. I didn't need to do much study and I graduated with first class honours. During my final few years, I did clerkships at various top tier firms and I didn't like the environment. I think I found it overly competitive and intimidating, and also disliked the formality and pretentiousness. I started as a graduate in the federal government, but quickly because frustrated by the lack of efficiency, lazy people getting a 'free ride' and lack of challenges available to me. I moved into a mid sized firm where I did M&A work, which I really enjoyed but it also took over my life. I knew it wasn't healthy, emotionally or physically. An opportunity to move to a smaller firm unexpectedly presented itself and I decided to take up the offer.

If I had my time again, I wouldn't necessarily study law. It's somewhat pointless to say that though because when I finished school, I didn't know myself, or the workplace well enough to understand which careers I would get the most out of.

4. What is the best thing about your job? What is the worst?

The best thing is the intellectual challenge and feeling proud when I push myself and successfully take on a high level of responsibility or finish a challenging task. The worst is being bored during slow periods and wanting to be anywhere else during that time, and being treated badly, overloaded and taken advantage of by more senior lawyers.

5. What would you like to achieve in 10 years? Have your goals changed since the beginning of your career?

I don't want to be a lawyer forever, definitely not in 10 years time. I might enter business, start my own business, or retrain so that I can pursue a career which would allow me to work with children. I definitely didn't feel this way when I first started working.

6. If someone with your personality type was just about to start looking for their first job, what advice would you give them?

Identify your passions and what you really enjoy doing, and choose a career path which is broad enough to accommodate them.

7. Looking back at your career, what do you regret most? What makes you feel happy?

I don't have any regrets, except perhaps the failure to be 'happy' on a day to day basis during certain periods. I am proud of what I have learnt in the law, and also about myself and others - that makes me happy.

8. In your opinion, which traits of your personality help you the most? Which ones are the most problematic?

The ones that help: being able to multi-task, good time management skills and the ability to distill a very large and complex task into smaller steps, robustness and ability to accept criticism and ignore it when it is unwarranted, ability to stand up for myself, confidence to express and argue my opinions.

The ones that have been problematic: Inability to 'let things go', which increases my stress levels, inability to say no to taking on more work and to 'turn work off' at the end of the day, avoidance of delegating because I don't trust others to do the job 'in my way' or as well as I would, frustration/anger at people I perceive to be lazy or unjustifiably self-entitled at the expense of others.

9. If there was one thing you could change about your personality, what would that be?

I would like to be able to relax and compartmentalize more easily and more readily appreciate the small, simple things in life.

Robustness

"Do you consider yourself to be robust?"

When I was interviewing for various legal jobs, I was asked the question several times. It seems to be the HR buzz word of the minute in legal circles.

They're presumably referring to emotional robustness, or resilience. Whether you keep going despite setbacks, how easily you give up. It's a way to weed out people who crumble under pressure -

"Mental hardiness is the way you interpret what we can call stressful incidents. If you view them as something frightening they’ll probably have a negative influence on you. But if you perceive stressful incidents as challenges you can control to a certain extent, if you involve yourself enough, stress can be a motivational factor,” Hystad explains. Source

Having now survived 6 weeks in my new job, I can confidently say I AM (quite) ROBUST. I have been yelled at, hung up on and given critical tasks well beyond my expertise. It is challenging (and enjoyable) but exhausting.

It has taught me a lot about my personality. Part of the reason why I took this job is because the supervising partner was an asshole in the interview. He basically said "You probably won't make it here, you probably won't be smart / strong / resilient enough... only time will tell whether you have what it takes". He made me angry, and I saw that as a challenge. 

Although I'm proud of how I've coped so far, I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep this up. I'm actually not that bothered by the pressure / challenge of the tasks I'm given or the personalities in the office (ie being yelled at). The hardest thing is not having time to do anything other than work, and being constantly exhausted.

Inspiration Board

Inspiration Board

Candle, flower, bathtub: Enjoy and find joy in the smaller things, make time to be alone with my thoughts, enjoy peace and serenity

Beach scene: travel, relax on a tropical beach, enjoy nature

Meditation scene: learn to be calm, nourish my spiritual health, spend time in the fresh air

Family: spend time with my family, value and enjoy them

Baby: learn from children, embrace honesty, innocence and happiness from the simplest things; find a way to continue to work with children 

Our happy place: find a place to call home, take pride in and be happy in my surroundings

Plane: travel, explore, experience different cultures and places

Books: learn, think and challenge my brain

Love: be open to love and companionship, trust myself and my feelings

Girl running: get fit, live healthily, be active

Bikini body: loose weight, tone up, take pride in my appearance, feel confident in my skin

Techno Kids & Post Storm Adventures

The past week has been incredibly busy and stressful. I have now been to 8 interviews. This doesn't mean I have interviewed for 8 companies, the more convoluted interview chain goes like this:
(1) Interview with recruitment consultant;
(2) Interview with HR representative from firm / senior associate; and then
(3) Interview with HR representative and partner / other lawyer and partner.

It looks like I'll be choosing between 3 very different firms (if all goes to plan and they all offer me a position). My gut feeling is not being all that helpful right now, and I'm loosing sleep over the decision.

Anyway, my week was also taken up with various other shennanigans including some nannying work. It still shocks me how techno savvy (and techno-spoilt) kids are these days. These youngsters are only 4 and 6 years old, and they have their own iPads:

It made my job easier, but woah. They told me that "Santa spent a lot of money on these, so we have to be careful with them". That's good to know!

I think I'd prefer my kids to be playing outside and doing craft activities, but then, I don't have my own iPad yet (or any tablet) and it took me longer than most to start using a smartphone... Perhaps I am just techno-lagged and will be one of those embarrassing parents who deprives their children of what "everyone else at school has!".

It's still raining and raining here. At least the storms have finished (for now). My dog always likes exploring the park after a storm, when there is plenty of loose tree debris to sniff and mark one's territory on. The council have been super efficient in cleaning up, there was this exciting large pile of tree debris for the dog's pleasure:

My weight loss is going depressingly slowly. According to the scales, I haven't lost any weight... and the scales are probably right. I have been eating less but I haven't been exercising. It's partly because of the weather, but mostly because I am unmotivated. Stress also slows down the metabolism, and I'm pretty stressed about job related decisions. It doesn't help that I really enjoy little snacks like this:

 So pretty (and delicious)

Apart from op shopping (to be posted about separately), I haven't been too bad on the buying front. I needed some new cleanser (I use ASAP's daily facial cleanser with glycolic acid) and it's cheaper to buy online. If I spent $50 I got free shipping, so I threw in a Too Faced Shadow Insurance (a primer for the eyelids, to stop eyeshadow from transferring or building up in the creases). I also picked up two new ulta3 nailpolishes which were on special for $1 each at Coles:

I'll let you all know whether Shadow Insurance is a life changing product once I've had a chance to use it.

Procrastination and Pug Cushions

I am procrastinating. I have been unemployed now for almost 3 weeks, and I haven't started applying for jobs yet. Granted, I have moved interstate in that time and I am still technically being paid (as my redundancy package + paid out leave gives me 7 weeks of breathing room). Still, once I start applying, it could take weeks or months to get a job.

I'm not sure what is stopping me? Perhaps the fear that I won't get a job... but that is irrational, because if I don't apply at all, of course I won't get one. I want to avoid it because then I don't have to think about how or where to apply and whether I will get a job at all (which is of course ludicrous, because I spend my time feeling guilty instead).

I am spending the days unpacking, cleaning, replacing household items that I left behind in Canberra because they weren't worth shipping over, reading, watching sitcoms, catching up with my (employed) friends (during non business hours), walking my dog and going for jogs. I have also been sleeping a lot (at ridiculous night-owl hours, hence the 1am blog post).

The main positive in all this is that I've been for 2 jogs in the past 3 days. That is a big step, and I plan to continue to exercise. I am hoping that will motivate me to eat healthier, or increase my metabolic rate or something. Goodness knows I need to loose weight - I am currently 8kg heavier than what I should be, and I can't fit into many of my own clothes.

Did I mention that I have loads and loads of ironing to do? About 50 items of clothing, because everything got crumpled in the move. This was the perfect excuse to pop into Target and pick up the Philips GC510 garment steamer, which is on sale for $79 (rrp is $139). I have always wanted to try one, and this seems to have good reviews. I'll let you all know how it goes, and fingers crossed it makes life easier - I really dislike ironing.

 Yes, it really is green. Brighter green than in the photo. If it does a good job, I'll let this pass.

I almost bought a pug cushion like this one:

The picture is a still taken from this hilarious video. I'm contemplating going back and buying one just to remember it ;-)

Time for a Little Quiz

1.   If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? I think I’d most like to go road tripping in America and Canada. Of course I wouldn’t miss New York! Japan is also high on my list of must-visit countries.

2.   Do you have a goal you aspire to at the moment? Not really – I wish I did, as I feel a little disillusioned. I need to find something to be passionate about!

3.   What is the food you eat most frequently? Probably pasta – not particularly healthy (carb overload!)

4.   What is the best meal you ever ate? The first thing that comes to mind is a feast of local delicacies I had in Hoi Ann, Vietnam - Cao Lao and White Rose.

5.   Favorite type of chocolate? This one is hard because I have so many favourites – but right up there are the Kitkat, and Nestle Crunch.

6.   Who did you last talk on the phone with? My Mum, the good daughter that I am.

7.   What is the last book you read? In My Skin by Kate Holden.

8.   Open- or closed-toe shoes in the summer? Closed toes, because I am usually too lazy to do a pedicure. I really shouldn't be given the number of nailpolishes I have...

9.   Have you ever won a prize? Yes, I won a computer screen (back in the days when having a flat screen was a big deal) and tickets to a Rhianna concert. 

10.  Do you consider yourself to be shy or outgoing? Definitely outgoing. Sometimes probably too chatty!

11.  Do you live near or far from family? Until recently, I lived a 4.5 hour flight away from family. Now I'm living on top of my closest family (in the same house, temporarily!). Of course I have relatives all over the world too.

12.  What language would you most like to learn? Probably mandarin, because it is such an important language in business and would provide me with a career advantage.

13.  What do you usually eat for breakfast? I'd like to say something healthy, but my usual breakfast is a strawberry Up and Go. High in sugar and easy to drink on the run...

14.  What are your favourite online shopping websites?  eBay, Asos and Dorothy Perkins. I also check out Modcloth and Urban Outfitters on a regular basis.

15.  If there was one thing you could change about your body, what would it be?  I want to be tall with long legs. I think leggy girls look amazing in most clothing, whereas I struggle with being stumpy... LOL

 

AEIOU: Awesome, Exciting, Interesting, Opportunity, Understanding

I am joining in with Posie Patchwork's AEIOU link party this month.

#1 Awesome – something you baked/ created/ photographed/ a bargain you found

My creativity has this month been limited to creatively packing boxes to fit in as much as possible without over packing an individual box, while trying to use as few boxes overall as possible. Sadly, this has not stopped me from online shopping. I snapped up these Georgie leather boots from Asos, for a bargain $60 AUD including postage:

 

Genuine leather boots delivered to my new address for $60? Now that is awesome.

#2 Exciting – share your news/ event/ holiday/ a gorgeous butterflies-in-tummy moment

My exciting news is that I will be moving back to Perth in a week. I have now finished work in Canberra, hence the packing, It has all happened very fast and I will leave with mixed feelings - I'm very sad to be leaving my friends behind, but happy that I'll be close to my family in Perth, and will be reunited with my besties there.

#3 Interesting – teach us information/ discovery/ facts/ a chance to show off your quirky side

I have just finished reading a super interesting book called Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and United. It is about twins who were separated as babies, and raised by different adoptive families without any knowledge of the existence of the other. They were separated, it seems, to be part of a nature vs nurture "twin study". They were re-united at age 35, and learn about their striking similarities and differences. The book is written from both of their perspectives, with an alternating voice. It is a heart warming, personal story about self discovery (and delving into the past, and ethics, in their attempts to find out why they were separated and whether they were studied for scientific purposes) but also has a non-fiction slant, as one of the twins in particular has done a lot of research about twins and uses these findings in her analysis. I found it very interesting, and would recommend you read it too if you get the chance.

#4 Opportunity – embrace the unknown/ put yourself out there/ show off a new experience.

Opportunity is truly knocking at my door (although I feel as if the door is locked, and I cannot find the correct key). I am now unemployed (thankfully, by choice) and can take my career in any direction that I choose. It is nerve wracking not knowing what I want to do, and what jobs I should apply for (or whether I will get one that I want, or any at all!)... yet the opportunities are endless, and I need to embrace the unknown and take chances while I am in a position to be able to do so. For me, this is an exercise in trusting myself and my ability, and accepting that I cannot plan ahead but it's okay to be in this situation.

#5 Understanding – learning to appreciate/ forgive/ love/ unleash what helps you grow

I am scared about moving home with my parents. It will be temporary, but the reality is that it could be for 6 months or slightly more depending on how easy it is for me to find a job and several other factors. What scares me the most:

1) I don't get on with one of my sisters at all. We have always fought, and despite trying my hardest to avoid and ignore her, I fear that we will clash yet again. She is very difficult to live with, and I have not found a way to understand her or forgive her for what I view as her very selfish behaviour.

2) My Mum is very intense, full on, and melodramatic. She loves to whinge and complain which is at odds with my own "do something to change it, otherwise what is the point of going on about it again and again" attitude. I have gotten used to considerable freedom during my time away, and I have enjoyed coming home to a calm and peaceful environment after work. I hope that I can be patient with her, and stay calm myself despite my surroundings.

3) The space issue. I've gotten used to a lot of it - space and privacy. I've been as messy as I please, left dirty dishes in the sink for a few days at a time, put off doing laundry, made half arsed efforts to clean... this is not gonna fly at home. I mustn't complain really... if I can't deal with it, I'll move out and pay rent (and one day, I'll hire a cleaner!)

Random Happenings and Musings

Lots has been happening in my little world.

• This was me yesterday:

My friend bought me this homemade vintage dress from an op shop- she knows my style. It has always been too big for me but now is a lifesaver as I struggle to squeeze into much of my clothing.

• That's right, I don't fit into most of my clothes anymore, serious exercise and healthy eating are desperately needed. I refuse to buy any bigger clothing - it could just snowball if I did that.

• I am applying for jobs in Perth. The big move "home" is imminent, likely 2-3 months away.

• I am checking realestate.com.au for Perth rentals and also keeping my eye on properties for sale. I need to work out a budget with various permutations dependent on my salary, keeping in mind that I might have to take a pay cut to find a job that I'll enjoy and benefit from.

• During Easter and my Perth visit, I took home 2 massive suitcases full of stuff from Canberra. My childhood bedroom floor looked like this:

•  Various online purchases have arrived. These shoes from Brands Exclusive are my new favourites (they fit, which is always a risk!), and I was impressed with everything in my latest Asos order too (cardi is pictured):

• My trip to Beijing is a mere 5 days away. I am excited! There is an H&M in Beijing, and there are tailors and markets and shopping malls... *salivates*

• Random musing: I think every bathroom needs a sign, and this one sold at Wild Gifts made me smile (although I wouldn't choose it personally, a bit crass for my household):

 As did this address book:

 Do you know many humans?

Facing Your Fears

The above quote really resonates with me. What would I do if I had no fear, and how much is fear holding me back? In writing this post, I am going to think what steps I would advise another person in a similar situation to do, and then follow those steps myself.

Step #1 - Identify the fears

The first step to facing your fears is to identify them. What I really want to figure out is what I want to do career-wise or generally with my life in the near future, so I'm interested in which fears are connected to that. Hopefully this will help me to get my thoughts in order and work out whether I *do* know what I want underneath, but am refusing to acknowledge it because of fear.

A List of my Fears:

• I am scared of disappointing my family.
• I am scared of how I will appear to others and what others will think/say about me.
• I am scared of having to move back in with my parents temporarily, and about fighting with my younger sister with whom I don't get along (she lives at home).
• I am scared of making the wrong decision, and remaining unhappy.
• I am scared of making any decision, when there are so many choices and each of them is a risk (so I can't use my usual logical approach to decision making).

In making this list, I tried to drill down to the root of each fear. For example, at first I wrote "I am scared of failure". When I thought about it more, I realised that the fears underlying this were numerous, and that my initial phrase was too general. The key to this exercise is really understanding what your fears are, and this may take a lot of thought.

Step #2 - A deeper understanding

Once you have identified your fears, it's helpful to gain a deeper understanding into how these fears influence and constrain you. At this stage it might help to ask things such as, "what is the worst that could happen if this fear is realised?", "is this something worth being afraid of?" and "what can I change to change this fear?"

My list revisted:

• I am scared of disappointing my family, but I know they will support me and they want me to be happy. Whatever decision I make, they will come to accept over time. 
• I am scared of how I will appear to others and what others will think/say about me. A large part of how I define myself is dependent on others' perceptions, so this ties in with my own self esteem and being scared of not living up to the image which I expect of myself. 
• My Dad tells me not to worry about the future, but I can't seem to do this. I think this is because self-concept includes our future selves.
• The only way I can think of targeting this problem is to make a conscious decision not to let others' perceptions worry me, and to continually remind myself of this promise.

• I am scared of having to move back in with my parents temporarily, and about fighting with my younger sister with whom I don't get along (she lives at home).
• The worst that can happen is I make the decision to move out and rent an apartment. This will make saving for a deposit for my own place a lot harder (and it will take a lot longer), but it is something that I can live with if necessary.
• I am scared of making the wrong decision, and remaining unhappy. 
• What have I got to loose? I am unhappy now, if I remain unhappy then nothing has changed. There is more sense in taking a chance and trying to find something that makes me happy rather than staying in a rut.
• I am scared of making any decision, when there are so many choices and each of them is a risk (so I can't use my usual logical approach to decision making).
• This is a hard one, and it is essentially about relinquishing control. I have always been afraid of change because it makes me feel like I am loosing control. Control of what? When I drill down into it, it's not a rational fear. My perception of control is derived from stability and predictiveness, yet change necessarily involves temporarily being upended to some extent. 

Step #3 - Decide how to deal with each fear

I will:

• Be open to not being in control.
• Be willing to make a decision, without being afraid of failure. If I fail, I can at least be proud that I tried.
• Be open to advice and assistance from others. 
• Look for opportunities and be open to them.
• Think positively. Re-frame mistakes as either neutral or positive.
• Remind myself daily that I should not care so much what others think or say.
• Be easy on myself and accept that I am struggling. Take baby steps if necessary.
• I think my fears are inhibiting my intuition. If I can, trust my gut feeling.